Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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