Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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