I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
