All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
