he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
