I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
