just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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