just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
