Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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