I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
