I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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