a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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