dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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