4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
