god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
