There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
