My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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