Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
