I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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