I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
