Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
