I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
