Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
