Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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