You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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