best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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