That's when you crack a 10am beer
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
