Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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