I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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