if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
