I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
