i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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