her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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