I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
