My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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