So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
