just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
