Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
