I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
