i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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