I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Dicks are not precious.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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