this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
As shirtless as possible
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
