I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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