Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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