We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
