Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
