i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
