the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
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