OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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