I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
