Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
