I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
