Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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