I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
